this past week i have been unyieldingly sad. the type of sadness that immobilizes: sore legs, sore heart, snoozed alarms, sleeping during the day, waking up in the night sad. sad like cancelled plans, or rather no plans, sad like not speaking much — instead sitting here still. still sad: like i can’t even get away from it, like it’s here to stay sad. .
& for the first time in a while i sat with my sadness & i listened & i learned that last week when i had to go to the emergency room to see my sick grandpa & there was another still moment before leaving the house — when i looked at the closet & had to choose between pants & skirt. pants = get there safely & swiftly to be there for him. skirt = maybe i won’t make it there. maybe i will: but in the bed beside him.
i am hurt most when the violence i experience spills onto the people who i love. i want to hide it from them. keep them safe even though i am not. sad because i want to be strong but i can’t. sad because this shouldn’t be about me, this should be about him. sad because i can’t mute it sad, sad that it won’t go away.
i thought about dying on the way to someone i love maybe dying & i thought about impossible choices, how sometimes i feel selfish for being myself when i think about the costs for other people, i thought about all of the people who don’t have to think about these things & that made me even more sad: when the emergency room becomes the emergency world where do we go? when we love people so much we would die for them what do we do?
sad because i wore pants. sad because it was easier. sad because i cried every time i looked at him there. sad because the nurses called me his grandson. sad because i was grieving us both. sad because we are both still alive & i am still. so. sad. 📸 @christianhutterphoto