to the gay men who call me fabulous but never beautiful: 
at 18 i said i was gay NOT! flamboyant
auto correct: when i told the world i hated myself, it said “welcome” 
gave me a standing ovation, an honorary degree, and a life-long subscription
at 21 i put on a dress
& disappeared

“interested in: men” 
interested in: “my own destruction” 

when i first kissed a boy he said he always wanted to be with a real man
since then: 
i have been unable to tell the difference between his fantasy and my body 

“gender” is not the same as “sexuality” 
auto correct:
the difference between “gender” and “sexuality” is a fiction
let’s be more specific: is a love story. 
is who gets taken home and who is left alone. 

the more visible i am the more invisible i am. 
the more feminine i am the less desirable i am. 
the more authentic i am the more lonely i am. 

when i look at myself and what i have become i cry
i cannot tell if i am celebrating or mourning

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