i was taunted and harassed most by asian american cis boys in school. i think i represented everything they were afraid white people saw them as: effeminate, weak, "failed men." they responded to the racism they/we experienced with toxic masculinity. i wasn't public about my gender and sexuality partially because i was made to feel like a racial failure. i think it will be a life long journey to reclaim my (trans)femininity from the insecurities and anxieties of cis (south) asian men. i think about those guys some times and the many incarnations of them that continue to harass me today and i am filled with an overwhelming sense of grief. i understand, but it hurts. i understand, but it hurts.  

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