The Cruelty of a Compliment
The other day a white woman came up to us with a bouquet of what I’m sure she thought were affirmations. She thanked @eddiendopu for going outside. She called me beautiful and insisted on taking a photo of me to show someone in her life how accepting she was. She didn’t even ask for my name.
How do we hold compliments that land like slurs? Hugs so tight they suffocate? There’s this mistaken notion that compliments are always positive. But how much cruelty has been cudgeled in the name of care?
Various histories / presents have made it so that people aren’t used to seeing people like us (let alone together). This makes people uncomfortable. Sometimes people seek to overcome this discomfort by showering us with praise. But the compliments are less about us and more about reinforcing their self-concept as progressive and not like “other people.”
Ableism / transmisogyny render us living metaphors. Infantilize us. Reduce us to props to mine for inspiration. Cast us as entertainment in someone else’s story, denied our own. These remarks re-inscribe boundaries of who belongs and who is made a perpetual visitor. We are only there to be gawked at, not to lead.
Compliments rooted in dehumanization are not compliments. In these scenarios consider: Is this about their life or my feelings? Is this about affirming or denying their dignity?
Here is a photo of us laughing. Populate your imagination with it. Yes, there is so much tragedy, but alongside it — so much resplendence. Thank goodness we have each other. I wouldn’t be able to see myself as a human if it weren’t for people like Eddie who reminded me that I was one.
