Every time I receive hateful reactions to my appearance I remember how grateful I am that I have access to friends who helped me transform my pain and resentment into poetry and resplendence.
I used to be so self-hating: my internalized homophobia/transphobia/misogyny/racism made me feel like I had to disappear myself in order to be worthy, made me distance myself from everything different, lash out at any perceived threat to my normalcy. It was a hollow life — one where I sought the myth of sameness as if it would keep me safe. But it didn’t. Nothing I could do was ever enough. I was always wanting, aspirational, remiss.
It was only through the care and compassion of my friends that I began to embrace self-acceptance. And through self-acceptance I began to accept that everyone is different from one another and that’s totally rad, not a threat to my identity. The more I work on my self-healing, the more love I have for everyone and everything!! It’s overflowing out of me! I have so much hope, so much faith, I am overwhelmed by the beauty around me. I am so thrilled to be alive! Not just to exist: but to be alive.
I believe now in the potential for transformation, our continual becoming, because I have experienced it firsthand.
To my haters: I love and need you! I am fighting for you, too! I am sorry that you have been misled to target me and not address the crises you’re going through. I am sorry that you can’t see me outside of your anxieties and insecurities. When we take off those projections the world is so much more vibrant and three dimensional, I promise. I know that you’ve probably been so hard on yourself and been made to feel like you weren’t enough, but you are. and have always been. I believe you are worth more than conditional acceptance! You don’t have to be strong here. You don’t have to play pretend here. You are special and worthy of community who loves you for you, not your disappearing act!
I want to be in the audience at the open mic and hear about who broke your heart! I will be there in the front row cheering you on as we figure out who we are outside of what we have been told. I am here waiting to heal together.
